Predators

It's a fact: there isn't much love for Predator 2 in the movie industry. There's even less love for the Alien vs. Predator movies (one of the most outrageously insipid series around, almost as useless and cretinous as the Twilight series). While I understand why the AvP series is hated (I'm one of the people that despise it fiercely), I fail to see why Predator 2 is not considered a worthy sequel. Sure, it obviously has its fair share of flaws and problems but, compare it to Predators and you'll see that you can have it so much worse.

Predators, directed by Nimrod Antal (the director of Vacancy, Armored and Control) and produced by Robert Rodriguez (the director of the amazing Planet Terror and of the snoozefest that is Sin City, among others - i won't even go into his family movies), is such an awful bore-fest that I almost nodded off a few times (even during the action sequences!). Predators is a movie that's so devoid of any fun and soul that it makes one want to poke Robert Rodriguez' eyes out for mistreating such a simple and great concept in this way.

The plot of Predators is as simple as it can get: a group of individuals find themselves stranded on an alien planet and hunted by the Predators in the title. Sure, no one was actually thinking that the movie will have an amazingly rich plot and a lot of character depth and development (it's an action/S.F. movie and a sequel to boot - and to top it all off, the series is not known for its epic plotting or intense characters). The group of people is formed of a mercenary (a god-awful Adrien Brody, acting like a wooden puppet, as usual); a special ops woman (Alice Braga); a medic (Topher Grace, playing it like he did Venom in the horrible Spiderman 3 movie - that is like a sour, constipated asshole); an FBI most wanted killer; the mandatory black person; the other racially diverse character (an under-used Danny Trejo); a russian and a Yakuza guy. The cast is almost as diverse as High School Musical or as a christian porn movie (if there is such a thing) and almost as annoying and vomit-inducing (with, of course, the exception of Danny Trejo).

Obviously, since it's called Predators, you won't see just the average/regular/classic Predator, you'll meet a cast of Predators (one as boring as the next). Funnily enough, the big Predator boss somehow reminded me of Jason Voorhees when he was souped up in Jason X. Yes, folks, it's that bad.

Unfortunately, the movie doesn't even achieve the title of "So Bad It's Good". It's just bad, boring, it's full of cringe-worthy moments (such as the one-on-one sword fight between a Predator and the Yakuza guy), some truly shoddy and wooden acting (Adrien Brody, why won't you just go away?) and awful scripting and special effects (never thought that someone could get fire wrong in a movie nowadays and don't even get me started on how bad the invisible Predators look).

Rodriguez and Antal managed to create a movie that has no fan service (apart from the passing mention of the first movie's events) and that is so mortifyingly boring and retarded, you'll beg either for a coma or for your money back. How can someone manage to suck the fun out of an action/S.F. movie based on one of the best movies of the 80s is beyond me.

Rodriguez, get it right with Machete or I'll kick you in the nads.